Sunday, February 20, 2005
There's too much hatred boiling and bottling in me till I couldn't take it anymore. Here I am, letting go some of my thoughts for once, right now.Lets start off with my pathetic family. My father passed away nearly a decade ago. Perhaps leaving me to inherit his cancer cells anytime soon. Simply no males to confide in in my damned family. No one understands me. As the youngest in the family, I'm always 'wrong'. And as the only 'guy' in the family, they exert all the pressure on me. Wanting me to accomplish what they failed to accomplish. They never bother to check with my interests nor opinion. Poof! My path is just setted the wrong way ever since I'm born. And there my eldest sis, fancy ripping my family apart by cheating my mum off her savings, leaving NONE for my mum to fend for herself. Not only that. Considering my mum and me were still naive years back, she used our insurance policies and took loans from NTUC income and leaving my mum 10+K and me 4K in debts. Yep thats right. She cheated my 2nd sis in going around getting loans to pay back her 100+k loans from major credit card companies. Relationships with my sisters are thus strained over money. And my 3rd sister. As usual. Not contributing anything since birth but just trouble and pure madness. She scarred my childhood with family fights and torturing my grandma when I'm so much younger then. Those memories hurts still.
Now lets get to abit of myself. This farking world discriminates me just because I'm ugly, skinny. And not to mention I can't get the courses, field of jobs I desired in just because I'm colour blind. I really feel like a handicapped person. People tend to ask me why don't I change my current job when I got a Mechanical Diploma. Problem is, I can't! Be it whether my color deficiency is relevant to the job scope anot they will simply reject me. And yes, I hate my looks. I hate every part of my body. Love to hurt and cause bodily harm to myself to enjoy greater pleasure deep inside me. Sadistic yeah? Least thru pain I could know I'm still alive. I can die but I can't. See? I have a conscience and have to repay my mum for the next ten years at least. Only then I'll leave this farking world and I'll bring a few people who deserves death to go down with me as well.
Talking bout backsliding, do I have a chance? My cell group and my best friend gave me none. Out of selfish and unruleful reasons they kick me out from their cell group. Since that 'incident', my so called best friend didnt contact me for a year+ already. Nevertheless I'm grateful to him though. Afterall I owed my life to him. He paid my $3000+ debts to Singtel so many years ago.
There's so many things in life I ought to undo but I can't. I ought to move on. I gave myself hopes but all the people around disappoints me as time goes by. I now lead a life where I'm put to death each night just to be brought to life the next morning.
I worship money. Don't you?
People backstabbed or betrays me, I retaliate by ten folds.
People dashed my hopes, I sworn they won't feel good either.
People cheats my mooney, I ripped others off their ill gotten money instead.
I believe in karma too. It will gets to me soon enough.

Afterall, I'm wearing a mask, to face yet another day...