Sunday, April 24, 2005
Perhaps by grace, I managed to grab 2 bottles of Carlsberg before my neighbourhood's Shop & Save closes for the day. Considering I only forked out $6 for both of them too! I could have ended up paying a tenner if I were to get them from the 7 Eleven instead. Nothing beats indulging myself in beer and loud music, in the comfort of my room of darkness, I guess. Will be helping myself my bottle of vodka and assorted wines if everything fails to buy me any sleep tonite. Seriously I ought to end this night before I do something foolish. Am I crazy, insane or what? LOL.

Felt like shit today... without me knowing why I'm feeling that way! Woke up a couple of times throughout the previous night from my nephews cries and from disturbing dreams of snakes and such. Been dreaming of big, venomous snakes for the past few months. Strange enough, they seemed tamed enough infront of me in the dreams, more like tools for me to vanquish my enemies or people I hate. But by grace of God, I always forget whom my enemies are every morning. If only I could recall even a partial of them... I would...

Noraini seems troubled enough. It's obvious enough she's minimizing contact with me for the whole of today. Felt so cold and a complete fool in her presence. If only she's willing to even share even a weeny bit of her thoughts with me. But then again, Alvin Yeo, who the f*ck do you think you are? Why should she confide in you? Wendy seems upset after knowing Noraini be starting work at the card center at 3rd of May as well. As a matter of fact, she seems dramatized bout it. She's partially the reason of causing Noraini feeling so down it seems. Well, hope she jolly cheer up soon enough. She better be. As Noraini is at stake here.

Hah... this post is taking longer than I thought to complete. Believe it or not, I've finished my booze as I'm typing these. God save me, I'm not even close of concussion yet. Obviously I need a break from all these shit and bad day. Just shut me down for now or forever, oki? ;)

Felt so wrong and foolish to fall for her. It's all looking so bleak, hopeless and foolish of me to fall for her right now. It is a curse. But I ought to admit it's a meaningful and sweet curse. Though painful, it made me so much alive again. Afterall all these while she's the only one whom left me breathless, made me feel like a winner, not to mention also loser at times. I'm practically living each day as it passes. Every morning I woke up to is practically a day earned. God is cruel or graceful for not taking my live away, I'm in no position to judge it.

Memories flashback of me being a sinner, loser when I least expects it. It's far too much for me to take it. I couldn't even shut it off by closing my eyes! Imagine memories of my father dying moments flashback before my eyes when I'm on the bus to work! Beat that! Memories of my grandmother being stabbed by my 3rd sister! Sweet memories of the past flashback when you are about to sleep afterall when it've already ended in disaster! How could I ever forgive myself? The agony and pain is beyond measures with each of these occurances. Am I going mad or what?

Alright, helping a serving of my vodka Ribena right now. This post will never ends yah? Hereby I admit I'm a loser. I've lost far too many than I've actually won. There are moments in life which I painstakingly would sacrifice anything to revert to though I know I never could. God, I've been in the wrong path. Everything feels so wrong. My feelings are so loose. My thoughts are so wild. Everything seems so meaningless. Am I born to be a problem solver? How sucky could it be to be home again to hear my mother and sisters quarrelling over money? Be it just the extra fiftheen dollars of the telephone bills, the HDB loan or topics which boils back to as far as the debts which my eldest sis owes her. God, am I born to be sacrificed? Am your plaything?

Here I am, moaning and weeping in the darkness already.

My spirit all broken and I can't bear the pain.

Salvation is near?