Monday, May 16, 2005
How often does your come to your senses that you've indeed lost everything? That's what I'm feeling right now anyway. Here I am, crying and drowning myself in the dark. Bought a dozen beer tonite. And God I'm determined to finish all or break my duck record of 9 cans tonite. I've every reason to cry and to unleash myself tonite. Or do I? hahaha.

I felt like a goldfish. Hah. Here I am drowning myself with the fifth can without going to the toilet. Talking bout god's grace huh? I'm all numbed from the outside and I don't even feel a thing with the blood tickling away from my arm. Haha. It's the feeling deep inside which I don't like. I'm bleeding from the outside. There's no better way out from this. It's hurts. It really do. Haha.

She asked me to stop wasting my time on her just now. She expressed herself pretty well and in an amiable way in the form of five smses. I really appreciate that. The time has come for me to face what I dread most. Afterall I'm lusting for the impossible. I'm, afterall trying to creat a miracle. Haive I am thinking if I were to give in my best and be truthful in whatever I do I would hopefully be able to move her in a way or another. Oh boy, am I wrong? Hahah.

God. I beg of you. Do you know how awful it feels being deprived of the rights to die after you know your life is being crushed? *cries* I can't die. Being the breadwinner of my family I can't died, yet. Here I am. Could only indulge myself in daily booze to nullify the pain you've inflicted upon me. Here I am. Washing my face and tasting my tears as I update my blogs. God, you must be out of your mind to torture me like this. You treat me like shit. You should take my life when you could. I simly don't like the way you are treating me.

Have I moved her, none? How I really wish I could make her mine. But the future is not for me to forsee. All the empty promises you told me as long you put in your best and lead by your heart I be able to perform a miracle. Haha. Crap. Haha. Hey. It's all over now. Here I am. Can't able to face another way. I'm bleeding still. But I don't feel a thing. I feel this blog is like playing a piano, letting my thoughts loose. God bless the soul who is reading these. These might not be up to his or her taste.

The gates are opened. The beers are opened. I could hardly see what I'm typing anyway. Thank God I'm a good typist yah? Lol..... through blogging you all get to see the inner me. Through my blog you all will read my inner me.

Okie lah time to dry my wound. Wait my mother thought I'm attempting suicide sial. Then again, I don't feel a thing. I'm afterall dead from within long time ago. These physial pain is nothing compared to whatever the fiak I'm bleeding from th e insidie.

God Bless the world. May God's favour be with you. God is definitely not with me. Maybe it's the punishment of me for being a deserter and not visiting the church anymore.

Then again. Isn't this too much a punishment for me to take? In the name of Lord Jesus, take away my life, pretty please? Haha. Good night everyone.

Afterall the dawn is breaking.

And all these is happening is happening right now.
One more time. Inflict me with all the worldly pain if you ever come. I'm addicted to all these pain already. In fact. I'm celebrating this moment already. One more time. Pretty please?